Today I am assuming the identity of Lord Voldemort and will defeat Harry Potter. I have stolen his birth certificate, taken a few credit cards out in his name, and am getting ready to take an international Portkey to the Cayman Islands….
I mean, I am helping him figure out how to defeat Harry Potter for the Harry Potter Moment of the Week.
The real Dark Lord Voldemort royally screwed up in defeating Harry Potter, so I have been called in today to offer some ideas for destroying the Scarhead.
Stop with the Muggle hate for 5 minutes.
Wait! Wait! Silencio!
They have amazing weapons, like guns and bombs. (If you don’t know what that is, I highly recommend going to the library.) The UK has banned guns, unfortunately, so we’ll have to rely on something else. We can leave it up to a Muggle assassin. A discrete one. The assassin doesn’t have to know anything about the Wizarding World. All the assassin needs is enough information to find Harry Potter.
What would the Wizarding World do when precious Harry Potter was killed by a Muggle assassin? There would be outrage. Riots! We would capitalize on this outrage to push more hate for Muggles and Mudbloods. We would turn it around in our favor for purifying the Wizarding World. Here’s how it should run:
Such a tragedy should have never happened to the Boy Who Lived, of all wizards! If a Muggle could do this to him, imagine what they would do to all of us. We need to stop any more tragedy from happening. And you know who can do that? Lord Voldemort!
We will be the solution! More people will side with us!
…
What? You don’t want to kill Harry Potter? The Death Eaters they make these days!
Alright, here’s one that doesn’t require killing.
Give him to Ramsay Bolton.
Oh, you don’t know who he is? He’s a bastard from Westeros. He is an expert torturer, and he has a track record for breaking people.
His methods are sadistic, which might be to Bellatrix’s taste. He will make sure that Potter will never be the same again.
…
Seriously?! What kind of Death Eaters don’t like torture?
If you don’t like either of these ideas, I have one last idea.
Steal his identity, like I did with the Dark Lord. It’s even easier with Polyjuice Potion.
…
Well, if you don’t like that idea, what do you have in mind?
Cat on the Bookshelf 
This is hilarious! I love HP but it feels like overkill at this point for me…
You could steal Ginny’s identity to get close to him and then defeat him. After intensely studying Ginny’s behavior so as to portray her correctly.
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Oooh! I like this idea!
HP has reached an overkill, but I think I might just be annoyed with Cursed Child, Fantastic Beasts, and Rowling.
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*cackles* My lord your plan is evil, FIENDISH! Might I suggest that you tie Harry up with a washing line and then push him into the lake to become squidfood? MUAHAHAHA! Also my lord have you considered running for Muggle political office?? The “pure blood” message is going down strongly in Britain these days, especially with Daily Mail readers. The electorate will have no idea that when you said “get rid of the non purebloods” you meant “ALL muggles, full stop” instead of just “brown muggles” until you’re in charge of Westminster! MUAHAHAHHAAAAA!!
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Your plans are delightfully fiendish too! I think it might be better to have a puppet in office, like we did in the Wizarding World. Do you have someone in mind to make that puppet?
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Ehehehehe we need a master puppeteer to construct us a fascist Kermit the muggles will all fall for
Hmmmm
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Guns aren’t banned in the UK, but you will need a license Voldy! (Or just take that Portkey to the Caymens…) 😉
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Thanks for the correction, Cee Arr! I didn’t realize that they weren’t banned. I guess it’s time to take that Portkey to the Caymens.
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Now that you’ve pointed it out, it does seem like there were so many ways he could’ve had Harry killed, like simply hiring an assassin. Guess there wouldn’t have been much of a book if Voldy had been more practical lol.
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Yeah, that is true. It’s more fun for Harry to have to fight Voldy’s long, drawn-out attempts at killing Harry.
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:DDDD I love the idea of this post 😀 this was great! Made me laugh for sure 🙂
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How very evil of you! Good thing Voldemort didn’t come up with any of these plans!
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