Today I am assuming the identity of Lord Voldemort and will defeat Harry Potter. I have stolen his birth certificate, taken a few credit cards out in his name, and am getting ready to take an international Portkey to the Cayman Islands….
I mean, I am helping him figure out how to defeat Harry Potter for the Harry Potter Moment of the Week.
The real Dark Lord Voldemort royally screwed up in defeating Harry Potter, so I have been called in today to offer some ideas for destroying the Scarhead.
Stop with the Muggle hate for 5 minutes.
Wait! Wait! Silencio!
They have amazing weapons, like guns and bombs. (If you don’t know what that is, I highly recommend going to the library.) The UK has banned guns, unfortunately, so we’ll have to rely on something else. We can leave it up to a Muggle assassin. A discrete one. The assassin doesn’t have to know anything about the Wizarding World. All the assassin needs is enough information to find Harry Potter.
What would the Wizarding World do when precious Harry Potter was killed by a Muggle assassin? There would be outrage. Riots! We would capitalize on this outrage to push more hate for Muggles and Mudbloods. We would turn it around in our favor for purifying the Wizarding World. Here’s how it should run:
Such a tragedy should have never happened to the Boy Who Lived, of all wizards! If a Muggle could do this to him, imagine what they would do to all of us. We need to stop any more tragedy from happening. And you know who can do that? Lord Voldemort!
We will be the solution! More people will side with us!
What? You don’t want to kill Harry Potter? The Death Eaters they make these days!
Alright, here’s one that doesn’t require killing.
Give him to Ramsay Bolton.
Oh, you don’t know who he is? He’s a bastard from Westeros. He is an expert torturer, and he has a track record for breaking people.
His methods are sadistic, which might be to Bellatrix’s taste. He will make sure that Potter will never be the same again.
Seriously?! What kind of Death Eaters don’t like torture?
If you don’t like either of these ideas, I have one last idea.
Steal his identity, like I did with the Dark Lord. It’s even easier with Polyjuice Potion.
Well, if you don’t like that idea, what do you have in mind?